Right around the time I realized that my kitchenware is lame, my friend Lisa at Fine Cooking was looking for a reviewer for box graters. It sounded like fun. I grate a lot of stuff, I like writing about food, and, let’s just be honest, I expected there would be extra graters after the testing.

After identifying about 30 graters and getting samples of about 20, Lisa and I outlined the features and performance we wanted in a grater, and we set the tests: shredding pottaoes, grating hard cheese, shredding semi-hard cheese and zesting lemons. The magazine requires that testing be done side by side, so that all the graters share the same conditions. Once the graters were assembled in one place, it was pretty clear this was a big, a really “grate” big effort. Thank goodness for Lesleyeats. Four hours, 5 pounds of potatoes, a good scrubbing, then 3 pounds of Wisconsin-made vegetarian aged cheese called Sarvecchio (found by Lesley at Whole Foods) uncovered a couple of standouts and a winner among our graters.

The next day a very culinary neighbor came to help with Round 2 — lemon zest and Cheddar cheeses. Another 4 hours, a couple dozen organic lemons and a couple of big blocks of Cheddar yielded two different standouts and another clear winner. You can read all about it in the May issue of Fine Cooking magazine.

Lots of grated foods left from those days. The Sarvecchio became alfredo, the potatoes went into ham and potato bake. The lemon peel is soaking in a jar of Everclear. The SOC (shredded orange cheese) is in bags in the freezer — I’m waiting for the right moment — what would be the best use for it?

And what became of the graters? I think that will be pretty clear around the gift-giving holidays.

I was thinking of using emoticons in this posting to celebrate the digital smiley face’s 25th anniversary. But they’re so … elementary. Where are the grown-up emoticons for dismay, smugness or ennui?

If I could find a “withering glare” emoticon, for example, it would go here:”Do I look like a short order cook to you?” How many times have you said it to your kids, accompanied by the Withering Glare?

The truth is, at my house, apparently the answer was, “Yes, mom, now that you mention, a short order cook is exactly what you look like. Maybe if you had a hair net…..” I cooked two dinners a night for seven years, one for grown-ups and one for Sweet Cheeks. Here is a photo of the two cheese pizza and the pesto feta sun-dried tomato pizzas I made for dinner one evening. Because Sweet Cheeks couldn’t just scrape off the offending items — that would leave behind a few of the dreaded flavor molecules. (Emoticon: dismay)

I complained at work to the other editors. One of the senior editors said, “They’ll remember the time together around the table — that’s what is important. Don’t worry so much the day-to-day quality of the food.” (emoticon: really?!?!wow!)

So now I cook more food but less often with my strategy called Big Piece of Meat. Cook a big piece of meat and it’s dinner for two or three nights. Roast the first night, sandwiches the second night, enchiladas or pot pie the third night. (Emoticon: most people figure this out by 30 self-satisfaction)

The beauty is that there are so many varieties of Big Pieces of Meat. Pork, chicken, turkey, ham, beef, even salmon. Even chili. And, if you select something that goes into a slow cooker, you can have Big Pieces of Meat in the summer without heating up the kitchen. (Emoticon: check out my ingenuity!)

Here’s one of mine — show me yours. (emoticon: envy) I’ll be sharing a few others over the next couple of weeks. Because who doesn’t need a little self-satisfaction in the kitchen?
Garlic Fennel Pork Roast

1 (6-pound) boneless pork butt roast
2 teaspoons salt
2 tablespoons pepper (less if you’re feeding children)
10 garlic cloves, minced (about 2 tablespoons)
1 cup chopped parsley
½ cup fennel seeds
¼ cup olive oil
6 potatoes, cut into chunks
2 stalks celery, optional, cut into chunks
6 carrots, peeled and chunked
2 onions, peeled and chunked

Cut the roast in half lengthwise, but not all the way through, so you can open it like a book. Combine salt, pepper, garlic, parsley, fennel seeds, and olive oil and spread it all over the meat, particularly in the “book” part, pressing it into the meat. Fold up the meat and tie or skewer it shut. Roast, covered, for 3 hours at 325 degrees. Toward the last 30 minutes of cooking, arrange the vegetables around the roast and cook until the meat falls apart.